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[personal profile] octomantra
So I received a marriage proposal yesterday.

Uber has this system where you if complete a certain number of trips within a time period (such as the weekend), you get a bonus on top of the fares. It was Memorial Day weekend, so I went out from 6:00PM to 2:00AM on Friday night and then 6:00 PM to 3:00AM on Saturday night because the requests would not stop coming. By Sunday morning, I only had to complete four more trips before I got a hefty bonus. So I thought, "Okay, today is probably going to be slow because everyone except me is going to be hung-over from partying last night, but at least it will be mellow." I had a great time meeting and driving people, but at this point, I was exhausted, and apparently a lot of drunks thought I was either A) totally straight, single, and available or B) a certified couples' counselor. I was ready for a mellow Sunday.

At around three in the afternoon, I got a request from this guy, and as soon as I arrived, he came stumbling out of an office building without any shoes on. He got into the car and verbally confirmed that his shoes were indeed missing, and I told him that his buddies probably stole them as a practical joke. But I was happy to drive him three miles anyway. He was happy, because his friends were supposed to give him a ride earlier that morning but decided to ditch him while he was passed out on the carpet. Judging by his speech and the time of the day, I assumed that he was hung-over. He asked if we could stop by Jack in the Box on the way, and I was cool with that. The line at the drive-thru was slow for some reason, so we ended up talking about sci-fi movies because the new Alien movie just came out. Just before we got his food, and I looked over to finally get a good look at him, and I saw that his face was bright red.

I asked, "So...you feeling okay? Do you have a headache? Feeling groggy?"

"Nah, I'm feeling good, which is amazing 'cuz I don't remember how much I had last night."

Yep. Still drunk. He would be feeling all of that after I drove his silly ass home and he ate his food. But I rolled with it, because he was in a good mood and the conversation was light.

We were two minutes away from the destination according to Google, and he got super quiet before asking, "So...what's your name?"

I told him.

"Are you married?"

I responded, "No...I'm a little young to be married. But I have a part--"

"So how old are you, then?"

"26."

"Well, I'm 28!"

"Oh...not too much of a gap..."

Silence. Then he said, "Hell, WE should get married!"

And all four of my headmates, who had been sitting there co-fronting very quietly and listening to the entire conversation, burst out laughing.

I said, "I'm sorry. What?"

"Hell yeah! We should totally get married! I would like to get to know you, girl. I like your style!"

"...right." Because love at first sight negates the need for dating. Go all the way. Marry the girl. Never settle for less.

"Oh, by the way," he said. "We're driving to my girlfriend's house. I don't think she'll be happy about the fact that I'm still kinda drunk and that my shoes are gone, but I can't wait to eat my curly-fries."

And thank God we were rounding the last corner before the end of the trip.

Just as I rolled close to the curb and he got out of the car, he looked at me and asked, "Will I get to see you again?"

Wow. Okay. "Well...I drive around this area, so that is a real possibility."

"Alright! Cool! So glad to meet you. See you next time!" He shook my hand, and he literally skipped across the street, through the overgrown front lawn, and over the porch steps with the food bag swinging.

As I drove away, I said "Oh. My. God." and that was enough to trigger another round of laughter from all the headmates.

Alfred commented, "Duuuuude, what a playa. He was probably thinking, 'This chick is not complaining about me not having shoes, she's giving me food, she knows about Soylent Green, AND she's giving me a ride? This is love.'"

It was pretty funny, and I didn't feel threatened by him because he was the stereotypical happy, goofy drunk instead of the creepy, touchy-feely drunk. Plus I still have the can of pepper-spray. I only had to do one more trip after that, and I got my bonus. Success. According to the app, the guy was in my car for twenty minutes.

Later that night, I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I don't know why, but I told her what happened. She laughed, but then she still doesn't know that I'm asexual (I think she would completely disregard it if I were to come out anyway), so she saw this as an opportunity to "remind" me that I'm "date material" and the incident with the passenger was proof of that.

I asked, "You did hear the part where I said that he was completely smashed, right?"

"Oh, that doesn't matter," she said. "Alcohol makes people tell the truth about how they feel."

She then went on and on about how I'm missing out and should be getting around while I'm still young...and I'm just sitting there with the phone in my hand like this:



Tl;dr I made a killing driving drunks home over the weekend. Shenanigans happened.
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